only i call it balance.
i have achieved it, glad to say. i have been enjoying its fruits and consuming it with unquenchable thirst.
i breathe it. i thrive in it. i am happy in it BUT
i am always looking over my shoulder, careful to spot the first signs of conniving darkness. i feel its presence as if it's just a few steps behind me, ready to engulf me when i least expect it. i could end up on the bathroom floor again, exhausted, devoid of light, hoping against hope for things to be better. i know with absolute certainty, i know. i feel it lurking about...
and that alone tells me i have not fully let go.
because to live for the moment means to never have to worry. you know everything will end one day. you accept its fleetingness and its very nature compels you to savor it while you still can.
i had been under this mindset as i boarded the plane to Hong Kong last week. i would like to find a way, a formula, a guarantee in maintaining my balance and keeping worry at bay.
there are 10,000 buddhas housed in one temple. surely, if i keep quiet long enough, one of them would whisper its secret to me. but minutes rolled by and no light struck me. i was still the same, albeit sweaty and a little out of breath.
it is a taoist temple but perhaps it would accommodate a person of catholic beliefs. i sure hope wong tai sin is a firm believer of religious tolerance and will turn a benevolent eye on a girl searching for answers. undeterred and full of hope, i went to another temple in kowloon, the wong tai sin temple, dedicated to the great immortal wong. people visit this temple believing their prayers will be answered thru kau cim practice.
people lit jost sticks by the altar and then walked at the back to kneel. they would shake a wooden cylinder full of sticks engraved with chinese characters until one of the sticks fall out. they would copy the engravings on a piece of paper and would go to one of the fortune tellers outside the temple. i watched..and watched...and watched hoping for a eureka moment; but still, it remained elusive.
which led me to ngong ping, face-to-face with the bodhi wishing tree...repeating over and over the one desire of my heart like a mantra, removing all thoughts from my mind, like the inconvenience of my sore feet and the sweltering heat of the sun on my back, less my wish won't get through.
surely the tree wouldn't mind that i didn't pay the astounding fee and didn't post my wish on the wall. but the bo tree kept its lips shut. it only speaks to buddha, and not to a thrifty catholic girl that goes by the name of jill.
and so, i walked up the stairs to the leshan giant buddha. but with each step i take, i was in no way nearer the answers i seek. and the only thing i found at the top was the magnificent view, which more than compensated for the trek up.
by the time i got down, it was almost 12. i heard the po lin monastery serves vegetarian meals from 11:30 till 5pm. so i shelled out $60 and found my way into the monastery.
i pictured how the lunch would go in my head! a monk, in yellow or maybe red robes, would meet me by the entrance. i would be led to a room of moderate size, painted in red and with sinographs covering the walls. it would have long tables and cushions instead of chairs. the hall would be full of people with small bowls of bounties before them, carefully bringing the chopstick to their mouth as if in deep contemplation. no one was talking; everyone in comfortable silence.
but instead of the monk greeting me by the glass door (yup, not quite the impressive,wooden door i had in mind), a surly waiter gestured to me, as he doesn't speak english and my scarlet letter remained evident, to follow him at the middle of the room. the place was, in its truest sense, a crowded chinese restaurant bursting with activities. no red walls, no meals consumed in meditative silence, no long tables and cushioned seats.
another waiter brought a tin kettle of hot tea on my table. as i sip my tea, the absurdity of it all became apparent to me. laughing at myself, i decided to charge the whole experience to the ever increasing list of my bloopers.
i was served with an insipid soup, steamed veggies with curd sheet, shiitake mushrooms with kangkong, and spring rolls; all of which came with a caserole of rice that i barely touched. my friend warned me about monasteries serving bland dishes, but they were surprisingly flavorful, with the exception of the soup! the mushrooms and kangkong were cooked with soy sauce and ginger, making it salty and a bit spicy. the steamed veggies were still crunchy and sweet, providing a perfect contrast to the mushrooms. and the spring rolls --- ah!!! (perhaps i should explain that a week before flying to hong kong, i was at krazy garlic. the tables within my periphery had spring rolls, only i was told i couldn't have any because it has shrimps! so having spring rolls at po lin was akin to fulfilling a week-long lust.)
and despite the dining experience being far from what i expected, i truly enjoyed it. nothing extraordinary about it --- i wouldn't crave for any of the dishes the way i still crave for the herb rice i had at yoghurt house in sagada.
as i linger over the last few bites of my spring rolls, i noticed the sign at the table. darkness will permeate my core insofar as i let it.
"don't try to go and find Buddha from the spiritual hill. the spiritual hill is inside our heart. everyone has a tower of spiritual hill, so we can train and practice by ourselves."
anak ng tortang talong oo!!! all those intense walking that may potentially give me souvenir bunions and varicose veins were done for nothing?? someone must have been playing a trick on me. if he/she thinks i would have better appreciation of the answer with a full stomach and rested feet...well, he's/she's right!
maybe what i've been searching for is already inside me, untouchable by any force known to mankind. it is one thing i truly own.
maybe the thing about balance is that once you've achieved it, you could still lose it. there really are no guarantees.
you could still falter.
you could still go back to how things were.
and make wrong choices...
that makes us human, right?
but the good thing about balance is that you can always regain it. whether you keep it or lose it is a decision that relies solely on you.
that's the beauty of its design.
and having gone through it once or twice gives me the courage that, when it comes again, i could still find my way out...
heavily bruised but still kicking high!
so bring it on!
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